Christmas Nightmare
by Kawoosh is Obsessed
Summary: Tinsel, Santa, Tinsel ... more tinsel


TITLE : Christmas Nightmare  
  
AUTHOR: Kawoosh  
  
EMAIL: damsel71@iprimus.com.au  
  
RATING: G  
  
CATEGORY: Humour  
  
SUMMARY: Tinsel, Santa, Tinsel... more tinsel.  
  
PAIRING: Sam/Jack  
  
SPOILERS: none  
  
STATUS : Completed.  
  
ARCHIVE: SJD, yes  
  
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. No copyright infringement is intended. Please do not post or distribute this story without the author's permission.  
  
AN: Based on 2002 Christmas Challenge in the samandjack list:  
  
* start with the dialogue, "What do you mean that's not allowed?";  
  
* contain NO MENTION of "regulations";  
  
* contain LOTS of tinsel;  
  
* have Jonas as a member of SG1 (though Daniel can certainly make an appearance)  
  
* have a Sam/Jack kiss.  
  
Authors notes: I think I got the tinsel descriptions right ( My first completed fanfic! Please throw soft things only.  
  
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"What do you mean that's not allowed?"  
  
Jonas smiled innocently at Jack, as Sam tried unsuccessfully to stifle her giggles. Jack glared at her before he turned back to Jonas and tried to explain,  
  
"Red and white Santa print camouflage is NOT standard USAF uniform! So go and change NOW!" He glared at Sam again, and then turned and headed for the gate room. Sam looked at Jonas and shrugged, before following Jack. Teal'c raised one eyebrow.  
  
"Perhaps you could wear it the party at General Hammonds house tomorrow instead. However, if you do not wish to be late for our mission, you should change quickly." Jonas sighed, "But the SF's who gave it to me assured me that it was standard Christmas dress. Oh well, I suppose I'd better hurry up. I'll be there in a minute."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Jack paced in front of the open wormhole, as Sam and Teal'c waited patiently. As Jonas rushed into the gateroom, Jack turned and stalked up the ramp, "All right, lets get on with this campers!" he yelled out as he disappeared into the event horizon. As the rest of SG1 followed, General Hammond's attention was drawn to something on the MALP's screen, which left him gaping in shock, as it was too late to stop his team from going through...  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Sam gasped with shock as she stumbled through the other side of the open wormhole – Colonel O'Neil was sprawled on the floor unconscious, and as Sam tripped and fell, all she registered was a bright glowing object in one corner, something gold and glittery hanging from the ceiling, and Jonas and Teal'c imitating her precipitous descent down the stairs.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
As Jack slowly found his way back to consciousness, he could hear a strange sound in the distance... sounded like "Bells???"  
  
"Yes sir, it does sound like bells... sort of like, well, sleigh bells sir." Sam's voice came from behind and above him. "Sir?? Are you ok?"  
  
Jack opened his eyes, and closed them again quickly as he was almost blinded by a glaring light on the roof. He slowly opened them again, staring in disbelief.  
  
"Wow, this is amazing, I've never seen anything like it!" Jack could almost hear the grin spread across Jonas' face. He slowly sat up, looking around the room as he wondered what kind of hell they'd gotten themselves into this time.  
  
The room was covered from floor to ceiling in long glittery, hairy, foily, stips of... well, what he could only describe as caterpillars! From the ceiling there dangled hundreds of shiny strips of...." Carter, is that what I think it is?"  
  
"I'm afraid so sir... it's tinsel... in every sense of the word!"  
  
Jack looked at her quizzically.  
  
"Well sir, that up there," she pointed at the ceiling, "is our kind of tinsel – foily strippy stuff. That stuff over there," she pointed at the walls, "is what they call tinsel in England and Australia."  
  
Jack looked bemused, "Just how do you know all this Carter?"  
  
"Well sir, I have email friends in both countries... we had a bit of a discussion about it last year, after someone mentioned tinsel, then someone else mentioned hairy caterpillars, and then we all got confused..."  
  
"OK, Carter, I don't think we need a 10 page essay. So, where are we, what are we doing here, and why all the ... tinsel?"  
  
"Um, I don't think it's just tinsel Colonel O'Neil."  
  
Sam and Jack turned to where Jonas was peering out of a small window set in what seemed likely to be a door. He was smiling. Sam and Jack exchanged wary glances, as Teal'c also peered out the window. He turned to Sam and Jack with an almost expression on his face.  
  
"This is most curious O'Neill, it appears we are on a Goa'uld mothership... however all does not seem quite right."  
  
Sam and Jack exchanged glances again, and Jack started towards the door. Before he could get there however, the sound of jingling bells filled the room, and suddenly the door swung open. SG1's collective jaws dropped, as they stared in stunned silence as a dozen red and green clad Jaffa-sized elves walked through the door. With tiny tree symbols on their foreheads. And giant, candy cane striped staff weapons. As SG1 continued to stare, a bright glow filled the room, causing everyone to shield their eyes. As the glow went away, they all opened to their eyes to discover,  
  
"SANTA?!?!?!" Jonas couldn't contain his excitement, "Oh boy, this is unbelievable!!"  
  
Jack and Sam stared (yes, more staring!) at the large round man standing in front of them. He looked exactly like every drawing of Santa Claus that either of them had ever seen – white hair and beard, round rosy cheeks, round little belly, red and white suit... although this suit seemed unusually shiny and metallic, and had gold trim around the buttons.  
  
"Jaffa, kree!" the Santa said, in his metallic voice, and then "Ho, ho, ho! Welcome SG1, we've been wondering when you'd make it to visit us! Please, come with me, the table is set, and Mrs Claus is waiting. Hurry up, she'll be getting fidgety soon if we're not quick!"  
  
Jack suddenly seemed to come to his senses. "Whoa, hang on a minute here. What the hell is going on here?! I'm not moving until I get an explanation!"  
  
The Santa looked at him, "All will be revealed, but first we must eat. Come."  
  
Eyeing off the most threatening candy canes she'd ever seen, Sam gently suggested that it might be a good idea to cooperate for a change. Jack shrugged, and they were escorted through gaudily decorated corridors until they reached a large hall, which was decorated with a huge Christmas tree at one end, and wall to wall, ceiling to floor tinsel of every shape and colour. There was a long table at one end of the room, laden with so much food that Jack would not have been surprised to see an entire Jaffa army sitting down to eat with them.  
  
As they made their way down the hall towards the table, servants dressed in all shades of green, red, white, gold and silver draped them in wreaths of tinsel and foil, whilst removing their packs and weapons. By the time SG1 reached the table they resembled small walking Christmas trees, without as many leaves.  
  
As they reached the table, a small, round woman appeared from behind the gigantic tree, and bustled towards them.  
  
"Welcome, welcome," she smiled happily at them, "we've so been looking forward to your visit, I was beginning to worry that you wouldn't make it in time. Please sit down, dinner is about to be served."  
  
The team exchanged looks as they sat down, each of them stunned in his or her own special way. Teal'c was guided to a seat next to Mrs Claus, Jack and Sam were placed between Santa and his wife, and Jonas was placed on Santa's other side. As the meal was served, Jonas immediately starting barraging Santa with questions, whilst Teal'c engaged Mrs Claus in polite conversation. Jack and Sam just sat and tried hard to recover their bewildered senses.  
  
"Sir, do you think this is real, or are we just having some bizarre dream?" Sam whispered to her CO.  
  
"I dunno Carter, but doesn't this strike you as a little weird?"  
  
"What, Santa ho-ho-ho-ing in full Goa'uld regalia whilst Jaffa parade around dressed as Elves? Really sir, if this is a dream, we'll probably end up kissing in front of the General!"  
  
Jack nearly choked on his mouthful of food and looked at her. "You have those dreams too?"  
  
Sam blushed and looked embarrassed, "Um, sir... well... isn't that the way dreams are supposed to end?"  
  
Jack looked slightly disappointed, "Oh yeah, I guess you're right. So, I wonder what happens now? Hey, did you notice that the top of that tree is glowing?"  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Blaring sirens and flashing lights announced the incoming wormhole, as General Hammond made his way to the gate room. SG1 had been gone for several hours, and after sighting the masses of tinsel and foil that had inexplicably appeared on MALP's telemetry, he was a little concerned for their wellbeing.  
  
"SG1's iris code recognised sir." The technician informed him.  
  
"Open the iris." The general ordered, and waiting impatiently for his team to return. As SG1 appeared through the gate, one by one, silence spread through the gate room, as people stopped what they were doing to stare at the 4 mounds of sparkle that stepped through the stargate.  
  
"SG1 what on earth happened out there??" the general demanded.  
  
"Well sir," Jack started shedding tinsel, "First we met Santa and some of his elves, then we met Mrs Claus, who made us eat dinner with them, then we were given presents..."  
  
"And then they explained that they'd gotten sick of being system lords and decided they wanted to bring some joy to the galaxy sir." Sam finished off as she discarded the last furry caterpillar from around her neck. "Apparently someone traded some Christmas movies somewhere a few years ago, and they got hold of them."  
  
George just gaped at them. Free at last of the tinsel, SG1 was now standing knee deep in the shiny decorations.  
  
"You mean that you were captured by Goa'uld masquerading as Santa and Mrs Claus?" The general was wondering if his top team had finally flipped, and was preparing to call for a medical team, when a glowing ball of light came out of the still open stargate, and bathed the room in bright light. As the light got brighter, everyone shielded their eyes until the glow faded and the gate shut down. The general opened his eyes to the sight of the gate room covered floor to ceiling, wall to wall, in every type and colour of tinsel possible, and Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter engaged in a kiss beneath the largest sprig of mistletoe that he'd ever seen...  
  
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*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*  
  
George sat bolt upright in bed and fumbled with his alarm until it went off. He flopped back down, and lay in bed for several minutes until his heart rate slowed, and his breathing became more even. As he got out of bed and headed for the shower, he breathed a huge sigh of relief, "Thank God for small mercies". 


End file.
